By Deborah Grayson Riegel
For the first seven years of running my own business, I did everything myself. In addition to doing all the facilitating, coaching and speaking work, I did all my invoicing, contracting, social media, scheduling, database entry, catering, stapling – you name it. I was my own Gal Friday – no job too big or too small – even though I was clearly in over my head and out of my element. I knew that I had to change my ways in order to be more effective in work and life, and less stressed in both as well. I wanted to change. I was committed to change, and I had clearly articulated the urgency for change to my husband, my colleagues and to my coach (yes, coaches have coaches). So I hired an assistant to support me in all of the tasks that were core to running my business but didn’t require me, personally, to spearhead them. Six months into my new relationship with my assistant, I was ready to see, hear and feel the very changes I had declared I had wanted and needed.
But there has been no change.
Wait a minute – scratch that: there had been TWO changes – I was now down several hundred dollars and more stressed than I ever was.
What happened? I had said that I would commit to doing things differently by delegating tasks, offloading responsibilities and taking myself out of the mix. But what became clear to me was that I had a bigger, deeper, secret commitment that I hadn’t identified or managed: my commitment to maintaining control.
I had a commitment to maintaining the status quo – where I was in charge of everything -- that was bigger than my commitment to change.
In his book, Immunity to Change, Harvard psychologist Robert Kegan talks about the importance of recognizing that a part of any change management process requires us to surface the hidden commitments that are resisting the change. In educational institutions, we may say that we want a new and innovative curriculum, but our hidden commitment is to not having to do the work associated with learning that new program. We may want to increase use of technology in order to let more students practice at home and be able to answer parents who want school reduced to two (or to one) day, but we may also have a hidden commitment to keep the peace with those teachers who may resist learning new technical skills. We say that we want to hire the most talented, seasoned and creative staff, but we struggle with our personal hidden commitment to not be outshone by brighter stars.
As a coach, I regularly work with clients who say they want to change themselves, their organizations, or their relationships. And they are surprised when I ask them this question: “How is your current situation actually serving you right now?” They assume that they want to change because there’s nothing to be gained where they are now. But the fact of the matter is, more often than not, the reason they haven’t already changed is because they are deeply, personally and secretly more committed to something that they are getting from their current situation.
So I ask you to think about the changes you really believe that you want to make, and to ask yourself, “What am I secretly committed to keeping the same about what’s going on right now?” It’s the change management version of the Buddhist question: “What’s absolutely perfect about my situation right now?” If there’s something perfect about your current state – it’s peaceful or it’s stress-free or nobody’s angry with you or you don’t have to make a difficult decision – you’re not likely to give up what’s perfect to invite the drama we often associate with change.
But while drama is optional, change is inevitable. When we take the time to unearth the hidden commitments of those resisting the change (including ourselves), we often get to the real root of what’s keeping us stuck. And once we get to the origins of the resistance, we can take a more honest and direct route to working through them or even around them, as opposed to trying to ignore them or blast through them, which is where most change efforts fail.
What about me? I realized that I couldn’t ignore my commitment to control, nor could I just tell myself to just “suck it up” and deal. I needed to articulate my hidden commitment to my assistant, which I did, and allow her to partner with me in a series of experiments that tested my tolerance for ceding control. And bit by bit, as I found that I could handle more delegation than I gave myself credit for, my commitment to getting things done without me outweighed my hidden commitment to having my hands in and on everything.
As we find in coaching, quite often, asking that very first question, “What are you secretly committed to holding on to?” is what starts the real change process.
Throug her Jewish Coaching Academy, Deborah will be focsuing on Change Management in her Coaching Skills Training Program on October 16 in Baltimore and December 9 in New York City. Find out more here.
Want to attend? Behrman House is offering scholarships (one October 16 and one for December 9) of $300 each to two Jewish educators. Find out how to apply.
Deborah Grayson Riegel is the author of Oy Vey! Isn't a Strategy: 25 Solutions for Personal and Professional Success. 
