Blessings and Baby Steps, our new Jewish parenting book by Rabbi Ilana Grinblat, just came in to our warehouse yesterday. My own children are in high school and college, yet Rabbi Grinblat's observations and lessons feel just as insightful and applicable now that my husband and I are parenting teens and young adults as they are for parents of toddlers.
After a somewhat calamitous week for our family that left a teenager alone yet coping exceedlingly well on the other side of the continent for a few days, while his older brother rose with strength and competence to the challenges incurred by losing one's wallet far from home, I found myself thinking about the diffculties and benefits of giving our children room to be independent. Rabbi Grinblat's Independence Day blog post felt, well, shall we simply say 'relevant.' My husband and I could have 'rescued' either one of our boys (and, on some level we dearly wanted to!), yet how much better for all that each is able to face a genuine challenge on his own, knowing we stand by with advice, with comfort, and with support. And so I wanted to re-post Ilana's blog here for you as we all head out to this holiday weekend. I'll be spending part of mine re-reading this terrific book, while I wait for text messages from afar and try not to hover, interfere, or to worry too much.
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Sunny California is living up to its name nowadays. It’s bright and hot outside. As is her custom, Hannah, my strong-spirited two-year-old, insisted on picking out her clothes yesterday morning. Despite the heat, she selected jeans, a sweater, a jacket and bunny slippers! I explained to her that it was too hot for long pants and sleeves, but she refused to wear anything else.
Then came breakfast, and she insisted on pouring the cereal into the bowl herself – which of course made a big mess. Then, she wanted to pack her own lunch – an apple and an orange –even though her nursery school serves lunch. Though adorable, her “do-it-myself” kick was driving me nuts.
Soon we will be reading Parashah Balek (Numbers 22:2-25:9), which tells about a King who hired a soothsayer named Balaam to curse the Israelites. Balak took Balaam to the top of a tall mountain so that he could look over the people and curse them from there. Balaam agreed to this plan. However, when he looked out at the people, he was spontaneously inspired to bless them instead, saying: “How goodly are your tents, Jacob, your dwelling places, Israel.”
What changed his mind? What did Balaam see that inspired him to bless the people instead of curse them?
The Talmud teaches that Balaam saw that “the doors of the people’s tents didn’t exactly face one another, and therefore exclaimed: ‘Worthy are these that the divine presence should rest upon them!’” The tents were arranged so that no family could see inside the other’s home. The community was structured so that the dignity of each member was respected.
This teaching struck me as fitting for Independence Day, where we express our gratitude for this “dwelling place” where the dignity of each person is respected. Like Balaam, we praise God for the freedoms we cherish. In hearing these past weeks about the struggles in Iran, I am more acutely aware of the preciousness of the right to vote in free, fair elections, the freedoms of press and assembly and all the liberties that we often take for granted. This respect for human rights makes this country “worthy that the divine presence should rest upon it.”
On a personal level, this teaching reminds me to celebrate the dignity and autonomous spirit in my children as well. Their efforts to do things themselves may drive us crazy sometimes, but these attempts also help them to grow and learn.
Yesterday morning, I could have argued with Hannah and tried to force her to wear more seasonal clothing. Instead, I smiled and sent her to nursery school in the outfit she selected – with a bag containing a t-shirt, shorts and sandals for when she got too hot. This coming holiday weekend, let’s pause to celebrate the independent spirit of our nation and children.
Happy Independence Day to you and your families!
Rabbi Grinblat is the author of Blessings and Baby Steps: The Spiritual Path of Parenthood, to be released July 15, 2011
Find out more about Blessings and Baby Steps.
