Go ahead and be selfish: forgive someone who has done you wrong.
It's the time of year when we are instructed to ask forgiveness--to right wrongs committed intentionally or unintentionally. We expect to feel better from having unburdoned ourselves so we can enter the New Year with clear consciences. Yet it seems that with forgiveness, as with gifts, it is better to give than to receive.
At least this is the message of research coming from the Stanford University Forgiveness Project. Research by Dr. Fred Luskin (author of Forgive for Good) and his colleagues has shown that practicing forgiveness can help reduce anger, relieve depression, and alleviate stress. When we forgive, we enjoy "greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion, and self confidence," according to the same research.
What?
Leave it to modern science to let us know us just how wise our tradition has been for 5773+ years.
In trying to understand this, it is best to avoid confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. Even when reconciliation is beyond my imagining, I can still forgive. I don't need to restore friendship or patch things up with someone who has hurt me in order to give up my resentment. When I forgive, I simply stop engaging in blame and I take charge of the narrative around my pain. As Dr. Luskin puts it, I change my "grievance story." And when I can take control of my grievance I can find other, more positive ways to deal with the anger and hurt. I put myself in charge, and I let the rest go.
It sounds like quite a relief.
The Forgiveness Project outlines nine steps for taking charge of a grievance and forgiving. So take advantage of this season of forgiveness and help yourself feel better by rewriting an old grievance story and forgiving someone who has hurt you. Want to see if you are forgiving by nature? There's even a short quiz.
And the next time it feels difficult to seek forgiveness for a wrong of your own, you might almost think of it as giving someone else the opportunity to change a grievance, let go, and feel better. Gee, sounds like a mitzvah.
#blogElul is the brainchild of Rabbi Phyllis Sommer, aka Ima on the Bima. The Jewish month of Elul, which precedes the High Holy Days, is traditionally a time of renewal and reflection. It offers a chance for spiritual preparation for the Days of Awe. It is traditional to begin one’s preparation for the High Holy Days during this month with the Selichot, the prayers of forgiveness. We look to begin the year with a clean slate, starting anew, refreshed.
All month, along with Rabbi Sommer and others, I'll be blogging a thought or two for each day to help with the month of preparation. Follow Rabbi Sommer on twitter @imabima for all the #BlogElul posts. You can follow me on twitter @Vicki_Weber. If you decide to blog yourself, check out the list of daily topics and jump in! Be sure to tag your posts on Twitter and Facebook so they can be included on the stream.
